“To be an artist is not compatible with being a woman by definition. The whole point of creative work is to let yourself go enough to pick up whatever falls out of your right brain before it disappears. If you’re always paying attention to everybody else, that’s hard to do.”
– Too Good for Her Own Good by Claudia Bepko and Jo-Ann Krestan
In the book Bepko and Krestan talk about how being good is instinctive. The things a good woman does are so small and simple no one notices them, not even ones self. This is my dilemma. I get going and by the end of the day or late afternoon I become aware that not much has been done. I have been dilly dallying all over the place. I don’t feel satisfied with the day.
I have a writing prompt emailed to me each day and today’s prompt was to write about a time when I felt capable. Sadly I struggled recalling a time I felt capable. After writing for a few minutes I reminisced on feeling capable when I took care of myself and then my family. During this time I had a routine of meditating, yoga cooking/eating right and writing. When I had these things in my daily routine I felt I could take on the world.
Why don’t I do these things everyday if it is so wonderful? Laziness and I get sidetracked. I get pulled in other directions because I want to be helpful. Like this morning, I have been up since 2am because my puppy Chances was barking outside and I was worried my husband wasn’t getting any sleep. So I got up to handle the situation and have been up ever since. Then I get pulled into my sixteen year old’s work preparations. She is asking me where work gloves are and if this sandwich meat is still good to eat and who’s car is she taking.
Why didn’t I just let my husband worry about his own sleep? I bet when he wakes up he will tell me that he never even heard the dog barking. I am such a worry wart and a pleaser. I asked Sherese, my teenager heading to work, to prep last night but she was out hobnobbing with her friends until after I went to bed. Now I am pulled into her drama.
I am up and feel I have so much writing and research to get done that I have made myself believe I do not deserve to sleep. Stopping for yoga and meditation isn’t worth it. I keep myself awake to work. Cause I miss it so. I have not done all that I have wanted to for at least a week.
My new strategy to mend this belief that I need to serve others in my day and not myself is to experiment with drawing a line in my life with the question “Does this act serve my goal, my gifts, my life purpose?” I don’t think every situation I apply it to will be cut and dry, black and white but I am going to give a go, experiment. I also think it is going to take practice in even recognizing when I am being pulled into that goodness code I live by. I need to create a new code of goodness.