Teela is back in daycare and Craig’s stress over money is overwhelming. I need to find a job. I got away with not looking for work the first week and half that we were back from PEI due to the daycare being closed for holidays. Now I have no excuses. I am not contributing financially and my husband reminds me of that every day. Not just in words. He doesn’t seem me as a person anymore. I feel like an object that is not longer fulfilling its function.
I feel nauseous simply looking online for work. When I do feel strong enough to keep the laptop open and stare at the web page, I do not feel qualified for the jobs posted. Or I simply don’t want to do that type of work. Some jobs even say that it is a ‘demanding’ or ‘busy work environment’. That is not a sales pitch to me. Those jobs are for the young ambitious folk. I had that job. A perfect job. With perfect people. I didn’t quit it to find something just as stressful, or more so, closer to home.
I do not want to do anything that is posted. I feel sick to my stomach. I close the laptop and go lay on the floor. I find I am laying on the floor a lot lately. Craig doesn’t approve of my laziness and not taking responsibility for my family financially. He sends me questioning eyes and body gestures that I translate into pressure and guilt. Yet, I can not get up. The guilt he gives me is not strong enough to make me move. Something else keeps me here.
I am done with life. There is nothing here for me. I love my children. I love my husband but I have no purpose. I do not know what I should do. Why did God put me on this earth? What purpose do I serve? Am I to be a rag doll for my family to throw wherever they need me?
I feel there is something amazing, something grand in me, and it can not get out. It doesn’t know how to get out. It can not find the door. It is dark and cold, and a smell of fear and sadness is all around me. So I lay still. I lay on the floor and wait. I wait. Each time I lay there waiting and find myself struggling to breathe.
My breathing is shallow and each breath is such an effort. I think, this is surely the time that God will take me. Yet each time I catch my breath. If He won’t let me go then what do I do? Why? I can not stand this pain. I can not withhold the pressure on my chest. It is suffocating me.
Perhaps my life had been more numb than I was aware of. I experienced joy being in PEI and now, when I return to my real life, the unhappiness is like a brick thrown in my face. My heart aches for the life I had in PEI and it is pounding and squeezing my lungs and heart to get out and go back. The experience of joy, after not having it for so long, makes real life unbearable. Ignorance is bliss? I went from sun to darkness in a second. I am trapped in a dark container with no view to the outside world.