A Bit of Sunlight – Unhappiness

Teela is back in daycare and Craig’s stress over money is overwhelming. I need to find a job. I got away with not looking for work the first week and half that we were back from PEI due to the daycare being closed for holidays. Now I have no excuses. I am not contributing financially and my husband reminds me of that every day. Not just in words. He doesn’t seem me as a person anymore. I feel like an object that is not longer fulfilling its function.

I feel nauseous simply looking online for work. When I do feel strong enough to keep the laptop open and stare at the web page, I do not feel qualified for the jobs posted. Or I simply don’t want to do that type of work. Some jobs even say that it is a ‘demanding’ or ‘busy work environment’. That is not a sales pitch to me. Those jobs are for the young ambitious folk. I had that job. A perfect job. With perfect people. I didn’t quit it to find something just as stressful, or more so, closer to home.

I do not want to do anything that is posted. I feel sick to my stomach. I close the laptop and go lay on the floor. I find I am laying on the floor a lot lately. Craig doesn’t approve of my laziness and not taking responsibility for my family financially. He sends me questioning eyes and body gestures that I translate into pressure and guilt. Yet, I can not get up. The guilt he gives me is not strong enough to make me move. Something else keeps me here.

I am done with life. There is nothing here for me. I love my children. I love my husband but I have no purpose. I do not know what I should do. Why did God put me on this earth? What purpose do I serve? Am I to be a rag doll for my family to throw wherever they need me?

I feel there is something amazing, something grand in me, and it can not get out. It doesn’t know how to get out. It can not find the door. It is dark and cold, and a smell of fear and sadness is all around me. So I lay still. I lay on the floor and wait. I wait. Each time I lay there waiting and find myself struggling to breathe.

My breathing is shallow and each breath is such an effort. I think, this is surely the time that God will take me. Yet each time I catch my breath. If He won’t let me go then what do I do? Why? I can not stand this pain. I can not withhold the pressure on my chest. It is suffocating me.

Perhaps my life had been more numb than I was aware of. I experienced joy being in PEI and now, when I return to my real life, the unhappiness is like a brick thrown in my face. My heart aches for the life I had in PEI and it is pounding and squeezing my lungs and heart to get out and go back. The experience of joy, after not having it for so long, makes real life unbearable. Ignorance is bliss? I went from sun to darkness in a second. I am trapped in a dark container with no view to the outside world.

A Bit of Sunlight – Wakaw Beach

This clip from Sunlight talks about my first week home from my trip to PEI, Canada.

Wakaw Beach

It was my request to go to Wakaw Beach. I thought it might help my mood to be around water, beach, and feeling the air come off the open water. I have been so emotionally down this week. I remember a coworker returning from vacation and feeling down and lost so this must be normal but it feels like crap.

I do not like my surroundings; Saskatchewan seems depressing to me. Feeling and thinking this way bothers me. I have always loved to look at the flowing wheat and barley in the endless fields as I drove. The golden fields would be interrupted by yellow canola flowers and purple flax – so many colours. I have always loved Saskatchewan’s beauty. I thought that enjoying a prairie lake would revive the Saskatchewan heart that beats in me. Instead I find myself crying. I needed water and sun but this beach is not the same as ocean water and the red earth of PEI. There are even sail boats on the water but none of it matters.

I cry and Craig giggles at me that I am so emotional about it. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but he does. It is a little crazy I suppose but I really miss my vacation and the feelings it gave me.

I wonder if God is playing some sort of joke on me. I have been suffering all week for sun, beach and ocean breeze only to go to a lake and see sailboats and hear kids screaming about ‘waves’. The ripples from a moving boat on a still lake has no comparison to the smell or feeling that an ocean wave offers. There are so many similarities yet differences that I am struggling to hang on to what little happiness and substance I have.

To make matters worse, Teela will return to daycare soon and Craig’s pressure for me to work will increase tenfold. After this weekend is over I have to look for work. I can’t go back to my previous life of working all day and being exhausted in the evenings, trying to live my life in those few hours before bed. I can’t do it. Craig is going to make me. His stress and pressure is going to be more than I can withstand.


A Bit of Sunlight

“I had no idea that the sun in PEI could fill me with so much grace. Even just thinking this way, that the sun in PEI could fill me with so much grace, is an unusual thought for me. I was filled with light, life and joy and as we fly home it is fading just as the humidity is leaving Teela’s hair and turning her healthy flowing curls into straight frizzy hair. I feel empty.

“All I can think about is how I had been truly living the last two weeks and didn’t notice until now. I got caught up in the passion of life and wasn’t even aware of what gift I was receiving so I couldn’t recognize what I was leaving behind as I boarded the plane in Charlottetown to come home.

“Now that I am home I feel strange. Not happy. Not that feeling not happy is anything new but this is worse. I am detached and disengaged like never before. Is this what everyone feels like after an amazing holiday in a world different from their own?

“Teela is home and I am struggling to do anything. I am struggling to be alone and that is all I want to do. I can not even think. It is like she notices that my attention is not completely focused on her and she cries out for me. I am struggling to take care of her. I am struggling to take care of me. It is all the effort I have just to feed her. I just want to be alone. I want the sun.

“While Teela’s presence creates a distraction for me I am also feeling at a loss because I can’t do anything. It is gloriously hot. The sun is shinning so brightly and we can’t be outside too long during the day because there is nowhere to cool down. We hide in the basement. The damp, cool basement. Yesterday I was on a beach smelling the ocean air, covered in red sand, listening to the waves crash the shore. I was with my sister. We were laughing. I was buying ice-cream and shopping at boardwalks. Everyday for the last two weeks I was in the sun. How can I actually be here, in a damp basement surrounded by dark brown seventies decor? I went from light to darkness in a day.”