It was my request to go to Wakaw Beach. I thought it might help my mood to be around water, beach, and feeling the air come off the open water. I have been so emotionally down this week. I remember a coworker returning from vacation and feeling down and lost so this must be normal but it feels like crap.
I do not like my surroundings; Saskatchewan seems depressing to me. Feeling and thinking this way bothers me. I have always loved to look at the flowing wheat and barley in the endless fields as I drove. The golden fields would be interrupted by yellow canola flowers and purple flax – so many colours. I have always loved Saskatchewan’s beauty. I thought that enjoying a prairie lake would revive the Saskatchewan heart that beats in me. Instead I find myself crying. I needed water and sun but this beach is not the same as ocean water and the red earth of PEI. There are even sail boats on the water but none of it matters.
I cry and Craig giggles at me that I am so emotional about it. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but he does. It is a little crazy I suppose but I really miss my vacation and the feelings it gave me.
I wonder if God is playing some sort of joke on me. I have been suffering all week for sun, beach and ocean breeze only to go to a lake and see sailboats and hear kids screaming about ‘waves’. The ripples from a moving boat on a still lake has no comparison to the smell or feeling that an ocean wave offers. There are so many similarities yet differences that I am struggling to hang on to what little happiness and substance I have.
To make matters worse, Teela will return to daycare soon and Craig’s pressure for me to work will increase tenfold. After this weekend is over I have to look for work. I can’t go back to my previous life of working all day and being exhausted in the evenings, trying to live my life in those few hours before bed. I can’t do it. Craig is going to make me. His stress and pressure is going to be more than I can withstand.
I can remember the day that I new my parents marriage was over. They had been fighting since I was in Grade Two for sure. That was the year that my mom came and started sleeping with my younger sister Melinda and I in the big bed in the bedroom. The big day that marked the definite beginning of the end was their 16th wedding anniversary.
My Aunty Hulda and Uncle Fred came out to visit us with a cake as they always did. We made burgers and had some lunch. Making sure we had our best picnic dishes out which wasn’t saying much for a family that lived out of an old grain bin. Aunty wanted our picnic table in the front yard for some reason. I felt we were exposed but they were our guests so we obliged.
After our lunch we took pictures. Mom and dad were photographed with the cake first. Then a family photo. Then Aunty Hulda slips in beside her brother and has a photo taken with the three of them. Dad placing his arm around Aunty. I noticed my mom’s face change during this picture. She became unhappy. Complete sadness came over her. She could hardly conceal it for the photo.
The atmosphere changed after that. Mom’s energy wrapped around all of us. The tone of conversation changed with mom falling more silent where just before we were laughing and my sisters and I were running around the yard. Us kids watched as all the adults ignored it, pretending that everything was fine, not wanting to wreck a perfectly good day. Where they unaware they day had just fallen apart in a single moment?
It seemed strange to me that no one asked my mother what was wrong. As kids we did that all the time with each other. But these were adult things so I watched the adults lead the way. I guess ignoring things was what one did when they grew up.
Later, years after their divorce, I asked my mom what happened that day. She said that she felt so unloved by my dad. He put his arm around his sister who drives him crazy but not his wife on their wedding anniversary. She felt like she wasn’t good enough. How ironic that my dad mourns the loss of their marriage to this day. He only ever loved my mom. He sits in a nursing home, 88 years old now, and still gets romantic thoughts about my mom. My mom still searches for love.
PS: Strangely, searching for the pictures taken this day to use for this blog post I could only find this one. Even more strange is that I see my dad’s arm is around my mom. Very baffling. Did my mom not know that his arm was indeed around her? I am so many more questions now.
I have been thinking about those crazy moments where everyone in your life tells you to not do something yet you feel compelled to go ahead with it anyway.
Maybe you are dating someone and everyone tells you to leave him or her. Or perhaps you want to move back to your old home town where there is nothing. You feel compelled to move forward with your crazy schemes yet those closest to you say don’t do it.
Maybe you make a career choice that is a bit of leap. Once again, friends and family expressed concerns.
When is your idea or desire genius and you need to break free from the group and when is it crazy and you should follow your friends? Can you tell the difference beforehand or is it your journey regardless of it being a good or bad decision, perhaps you have some karmic lesson to learn from the decision or action?