Well I am back from a two-week, unplanned “vacation”. Maybe it is longer than that. I will check after I write this post. Life got crazy on me and I just dropped everything to tend to the chaos only to get swept up in a whirl wind. Only now I realize it was just me and my mind-tricks that made it crazy.
Homeschooling was not going as I felt it should be. (Still isn’t) Since my expectations where not being met I was frustrated and soon my emotions evolved into anger. It got to the point where I could think of nothing else. Fear of judgement from others that I was having a stereotypical homeschooled scenario where kids just lay around and watch TV all day consumed me. It felt like I had no control over the situation. I yelled. I took things away. I made consequences. None of it seemed to make any difference.
In the last few days I noticed I was feeling anger at others because I couldn’t write for my blog because of this mess. Something was not working. My method seemed wrong. Surely it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Blaming others seemed crazy. Sometimes I hear Dr. Phils words, “How’s that working for you?”
I realized that I was spending a lot of energy trying to control the situation and then I thought – this is it. This is where our journey has taken us. Lessons are to be learned. Maybe I should just rest in the mess of it. Accept this situation and make the most of it. Kind of like when you choose the longest aisle at the grocery store but trying to change seems futile. Well, you could stand there stomping your feet and complain about all the items the people in front of you have, how slow the cashier is moving, or you could just make the most of it. This is where my family is right now. The more I resist, the harder things were getting. I needed to relax. My girl and I are here for a purpose.
This doesn’t mean I accept the TV watching. No, it just means I don’t fight against it so hard. Like trying to swim against the current. I still want to get out of the mess but maybe I didn’t have to work so hard to get out.
Accepting my situation allowed me to let go of my judgment over my daughter. Then I could approach her with gentleness. Sounds silly I know but it is true. I am trying to fight our situation which is quite classical – a teenage girl wanting her independence and a mother angry that she is doing it all wrong, behaving more like a child than she was when she was a child. I went to her and gently let her know where my boundaries where with her behaviour. Every thing said very gentle. Not spiteful. Not like a benevolent dictator. Just kindness.
It went over well. Everything was calm. Everything was sweet. It’s not what you say but how you say it right? She came upstairs, didn’t argue or complain about anything as she has been for the last 6 weeks. She was sweet as apple pie with ice cream. Patient as steady rain. Marvellous. My change of intention paid off. Five hours later she would test my intentions, see if she could bend them, but I remembered my place. I didn’t fight it. It went over okay. I held strong.
Now that I realize I was creating my own chaos I would like to return to the blogosphere. My time away has rejuvenated me. I am going to update my website and alter my “A Bit of Sunlight” posts as well as give more focus to my memoir writing tips.
Man it feels good to be back.