A Bit of Sunlight – Being Good

September 28, 2010

Anxiousness is settling in.  Teela and Craig will be home in the next hour and a half. I feel like I have run out of time to be with myself, to do things, to do nothing. There is a pressure on my chest.  I am going to be expected to fill role when they get home. I’ll have to be a mom. I should be cooking and playing and giving love and all I want to do is be alone. To be selfish and create the life I want, the home I want with no couch covers and cleaning up the messes of other people.  Or even give myself to anyone all day.  Why do I feel so selfish?

The desire to have a house in Rose Valley is still strong in me.  It would be all mine. I can go there and be alone.  To be alone long enough to do nothing and everything. How can I do this? Why do I want to do this?

I’ve spent my life pleasing people, being polite and thinking of others before myself. I remember having to share a bag of chips with my friends but it would be rude if I asked to have some of their chips when the roles were reversed. I almost never had a bag of chips. We didn’t have money for those kinds of things. It was very hard to share.

My dad taught me these things, to give and not take. On the opposite side my mother is a taker. She is so selfish. I feel like my mother now.

Why do I have to give everything every time? Craig doesn’t want to live in the small town so we don’t. Craig doesn’t want to live in Regina so we don’t. Craig doesn’t want to share bank account so we don’t. Craig doesn’t care for eat healthy even if it is required for my health, so we don’t.  Oh the list could go on forever.  Am I being too judging?  Can I think of times when it was all about me? Not right now.

I feel like I am so accommodating and agreeable and giving and self-sacrificing and selfish and negative – why can’t I stop thinking this way? 

Why do I have to give all of me to the point where I feel guilty taking anything for myself?

Being proper (nice, agreeable, pleasant, caring, empathetic) is socially acceptable and will make you a treasure in the eye of others. You will be liked. Being liked by people is important. Everyone loves my dad. Everyone praises him. I used to think he was god-like until I saw how miserable he was and realized how much he argued and yelled at me all the time. My dad is agreeable, helpful, pleasant, giving, self-sacrificing, etc. Everyone praises him. Everyone who knows him will only say great things about him. But look how he suffers inside.

Somehow I’ve come to believe that this is the way to be. The only way to live. And yes I can’t stand it. I want to run from people because I will have to be something.

I feel that other people are more important than me and that these people give importance to my self worth. They can raise it or lower it.