Home » Sunlight » A Bit of Sunlight – The Armour

A Bit of Sunlight – The Armour

In elementary school I was picked on occasionally.  Hence, I wasn’t too popular.  I can not say that their name calling or mean actions didn’t affect me. They did, but the effects didn’t last. I knew there was something greater even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it.

When my parents separated after my Grade Six year I learned that I was right. My sisters and I moved with my mom to Saskatoon. I was one of the more popular people in my new school in the city.  Moving to the city was a new beginning so I made great attempts to hide our level of poverty. 

I returned to Rose Valley for my Grade Nine year. Coming from the city where I had friends I knew that the opinion of my country class mates didn’t mean much.  There is a big world out there – a place where I can be liked.  I felt sure of myself. 

All of my friends were picked on at some level. Maybe everyone is in public school. I found myself standing up for others and really enjoying it. I didn’t care what these people thought of me and it made me feel like my veins pumped iron. I was a force.

When I graduated I received The Home and School Congeniality Award. I was quiet like a mouse but if you upset me I stood up. My year book said “Even bombs are quiet before they are ignited.”

I first became consciously aware of this force, this something more, in me when I was in high school. I was part of Venturers, a division of Scouts. We were leaving the home of a fellow Venturer, Marc, one night and delighted in the snow fall as we piled into my dad’s green station wagon. I was young in my driving experience and as we turned onto the main grid in front of  Marc’s house that delightful snow fall seemed more blizzard-like with headlights on. If my Dad were here I would have gladly let him drive. One boy, Matthew, sat in the back seat screaming, “We are going to die! We are going to die!” I recall realizing that I knew we were going to be fine. I just knew. I didn’t have a doubt about it.

I specifically knew that I would be fine because there was something for me to do and I hadn’t done it yet. This made me aware that while I could not die that doesn’t mean I could not be maimed or injured in some way. My body was not invincible, nor were the other people in the vehicle, it was simply my life that was – for now.

While I felt strong and with purpose I also felt afraid. I felt afraid to look into this purpose because I wasn’t sure what would happen after I did it. I became afraid. Now, reflecting on this I believe this seed, as my yoga sutras refer to it, this beginning of this idea that I would die when I lived my life purpose came from a film.

I can not remember much about the film. Not an actor nor a name. So I apologize for not being able to reference it. In the film there was a lot of fortune telling. A lady was told that she would be rich or famous. Well, what happened is that these things didn’t happen to her until she died.  I can not recall if she died by accident or if she was murdered but this movie left a message in me that would shape much of my life for the years to come.  It got me thinking that you don’t know how the cards are laid out for you. I may be destined for something but perhaps it is scary to chase that dream. Who knows where it will lead.  I could die chasing it.

Now I wonder why I decide to view the movie this way when it was probably interpreted many different ways from many other people?  Why do we see things in our own way and not the same?

I don’t have those answers yet but I so feel through my entire body that I have some unique gift to offer the world. From the moment I felt purposeful that day on the road in front of my childhood home, I developed a coat of armour around me.

Many things didn’t bother me. I trusted. I believed. I felt I had time. I felt I could play for now, like it wasn’t my time to be purposeful yet. Well, I think now it is my time. Now I have to be. Perhaps I never got on the wrong path at all and this was meant to be my journey. I was intended to run this course so I could learn things and help others with my teachings. I believe anything is possible.  

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8 thoughts on “A Bit of Sunlight – The Armour

  1. Thank you for your honest post–its OK to desire to be great, to be known. I hope that your book is such a success that you ARE known for your writing, for your life, for your spirit. Keep chasing that dream, because, like you said in the post: when you were young was not the time to pursue, to be great. But it sounds like your intuition is saying that now is the time!

  2. I was just reading through the first few pages of your memoir again and I’m loving it. I love how nothing super significant is happening–just the everyday of a mother and wife, an airplane ride, moods–but I’m still hunched over as close to the screen as I can get, intrigued. I think what’s happening in these first few pages is that you are about to reveal something much bigger. This is just a thin layer on top of a mountain of woman and mother.

    It sounds like your well-being was begging for a makeover and you didn’t realize it for a long time. Then you really examined your work life and your home life..I can’t wait to read more and find out what was going on with you. And how you came to find your “light”. This is like some sort of “path to happiness” book. I really like the concept! I can’t wait to find out more about your personal like (tee hee, I love memoirs!)

  3. Just finished Chapter 11–you are an eloquent writer and I look forward to reading the whole thing. Your book has captured me just as any fine work of memoir would at the library or at a bookstore. It deserves to be bound and available to the masses. Sorry for all the comments, but I hope you know that I’m just super impressed!

    • Does a “thank you” seem too simple? I feel no other words to say to you except those yet they seem so every day and insignificant to my gratitude for your taking the time to read my work and share with me your thoughts. Thank you.

      • I am honored to have become aquainted with such a prolific writer. You convey your story very well. I very much know “what is going on” as I read your memoir..I don’t ask myself “wait–what?”. I think that it is so important to write as story that is clearly conveyed and you’ve done that very well here.

        Thanks for your inspiration and your welcome for being a big fan :)

  4. What a powerful feeling to have, especially at such a young age, and I’m happy you “believe anything is possible.” This mindset is a very useful tool, and as always, I look forward to reading more :) Jane

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