I am so thankful that Gladys, my oldest sister, and I live next door to one another. I ask her if she can watch the girls. I tell her I need to call Craig and end this relationship. She asks no questions but stares at me for a bit. She acknowledges that she can watch the kids and I walk upstairs to my room to make the call.
It is afternoon and my room is filled with light. Everything seems peaceful, bright and easy. I am wearing linen pants and a white cotton top. The gorgeous summer day has a gentle breeze blowing through my north facing window. My room is bouncing light off the walls and I feel at peace and comfortable with my decision even thought it is going to be so hard.
I pick up the phone and dial Craig’s number. I had been planning what to say for hours now. Rehearsing it in my mind. I don’t know how I actually started the conversation, things never go as planned for me, but I hear myself saying “You want something different out of life than I do. I don’t want to get married. I definately don’t want to have anymore kids. You do. I am not right for you.”
I hear his breathing but I can’t interpret it.
“You are a great man and deserve someone who will give you those things. You deserve someone who wants those things. I am not that girl.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes. I do not want us to end but we both want different things.”
I hear panic and confusion in his voice. This has taken him by surprise. Things seemed so well and they were, but at the end of the day, we want to go down different roads. I hear him trying to convince me of his thoughts and views and it isn’t working. He has lost control over this situation and we are repeating the same things again and again. I want to end this. It is torture to be dragging this out.
We hang up, which is the hardest thing because that really makes it final. There is no opportunity for a hug or a good bye kiss. There is just a CLICK and it is all gone.
I lay on my bed and cry. I am distraught that I found this great man and it isn’t going to work out. I lay and cry and eventually make it downstairs. Gladys hugs me and asks me what this was all about I tell her and she understands. I love him but one of us have to sacrifice our wants and needs. I don’t think I can do it.
A moment goes by and my door bell rings.
I go to the door and there is Craig, stricken with love and panic. His shirt is partially buttoned in unmatched holes. His golden chest is peeking out of the top of his mismatched buttoned shirt. His curly hair is in disarray. He wants to talk.
We go to the backyard and Gladys scoots the kids to her house. His appearance is not going to help in this situation. I am weaker already. His eyes plead with me and confess a deep love without saying a word.
I sit on the swing waiting for him to start the conversation. He is either waiting for me to do al the talking, which I won’t, or trying to put his words into place. Finally he speaks. He makes this long argument about how I am good with kids, how we could just enjoy our time together now and worry about the future when the future comes. He isn’t wanting kids right now and maybe by the time he is ready I might have changed my mind. Anything is possible.
I love his passion. I love that he ran to me. I must confess that I have always wanted that. I have always wanted a man to express passion and fight for me. I love the look in his eyes. Maybe he is right. Maybe time will change things. Maybe I will eventually want kids and marriage. It isn’t that I don’t like kids. Maybe we should just enjoy the moment. This is exactly the reason why I ended things over the phone. Because his logic always overrides my feelings. The intensity in his eyes and tone can be so forceful.
Craig looks at me with a bit of relief in his eyes. He is happy that he has succeeded in reasoning with me. He scoops me up tightly and kisses me. Wanting to seal my agreement with a binding kiss. I walk him to his car and he says he will come back later when the girls are asleep. I make some joke about this being a breakup and he says, “It isn’t a break up. Just a moment of confusion.”