Over the past nine years I had fully digested the notion that it didn’t make sense to talk about issues – I was just to enjoy being together. I had many moments in our past where I was semi-conscious that we never spoke yet ignored it due this arrangement we made prior to just enjoy being together.
I have been seeking his praise. I want to know I am special to him. I search for his approval in everything I do and when I don’t get it, like when I boil the water at the wrong temperature or cut an onion wrong, I snap and anger grows in me towards him.
Part of the problem in receiving praise is that I would never be myself and share myself with him so how could he praise Me? When I got the impression that I was being silly from him or that he had a better way of doing something, I bowed my ways, my beliefs, my values, my identity. I adored the way he loved me and wanted to give him something in return for my gratitude. It seemed that he wanted nothing from me except for me to follow his beliefs and values so I gave that to him. I gave him all I had, and all he seemed to want. Adaptation being my worst feature yet one of my strengths.
I need to go travelling inside. I need to discover new worlds that have not been discovered. Or perhaps they have been abandoned and are now sacred ruins. I need my own Eat, Pray, Love experience but I need to do it here in Saskatchewan, where my heart is grounded. I need to start doing all the things that I have been thinking of doing and see what I like and don’t like. I need to evolve.
Just joining me on my Sunlight posts. You can read the first thirty pages by clicking here.