Boy do I know what my core story is. Over and over again I find myself burned-out. Not like Sunlight but hitting my limit. I was going to write and complain about it last week and I still feel like writing and complaining about it this week, although this week is better. Not perfect, but better.
I live in a world where it is a constant battle to write, have a bath and yes, you will here it one more time, if you haven’t heard it already, go to the bathroom on my own. Once when writing slips I start to see me making sacrifices in other areas. I start to give up and be tired. I let myself sink and stop cooking and then I find myself not making the best decisions and running with my kids too much.
Staying out of the city a few days a week is one of the first steps to recovery. Then taking an artist date for an afternoon is my next phase. On my artist date I head to thrift stores, consignment stores, or do something artsy. The other part involves taking time away from my family. It isn’t their fault that I can not say no but I need to leave the house for a weekend once a month to keep me balanced. I haven’t done this since the first weekend in June so my time is up.
Why do I let myself get dragged away, taking care of others fanciful needs and disregarding my own? The simple answer is that I feel bad saying ‘no’. I have this image of being a good girl, a good wife, a good mother. My father ingrained in me so well to be independent, hard worker and do not bother people to help you. No one wants to do that. I find it hard to even ask my kids to help out around the house. I love my dad’s work ethic but the message he taught about self-sacrificing I do not. Unfortunately I grew up in a community that worshiped my father and disrespected my mother so I was not taught to value her in anyway. When really I needed some of her selfishness.
Being good is my nemesis. I will work on eliminating these beliefs from my life. I believe core stories can change, they just take the most work. Perhaps this is part of my journey in life, my karma, to snuff this belief out of me that I was so susceptible to learn in the first place.