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My Core Story

Boy do I know what my core story is.  Over and over again I find myself burned-out.  Not like Sunlight but hitting my limit. I was going to write and complain about it last week and I still feel like writing and complaining about it this week, although this week is better.  Not perfect, but better.

I live in a world where it is a constant battle to write, have a bath and yes, you will here it one more time, if you haven’t heard it already, go to the bathroom on my own. Once when writing slips I start to see me making sacrifices in other areas.  I start to give up and be tired.  I let myself sink and stop cooking and then I find myself not making the best decisions and running with my kids too much.

Staying out of the city a few days a week is one of the first steps to recovery.  Then taking an artist date for an afternoon is my next phase.  On my artist date I head to thrift stores, consignment stores, or do something artsy.  The other part involves taking time away from my family.  It isn’t their fault that I can not say no but I need to leave the house for a weekend once a month to keep me balanced.  I haven’t done this since the first weekend in June so my time is up.

Me pulling my then-eleven year old daughter in the wagon (she was injured). I am pregnant and in my first trimester. I am bleeding and having problems with the pregnancy but I assure everyone I am fine to pull my daughter in the wagon. (I didn’t want to bother anyone.) That night I would be rushed by my husband to the hospital due to intense abdominal pain. The next day I would find out I have an ectopic pregnancy.

Why do I let myself get dragged away, taking care of others fanciful needs and disregarding my own?  The simple answer is that I feel bad saying ‘no’.  I have this image of being a good girl, a good wife, a good mother.  My father ingrained in me so well to be independent, hard worker and do not bother people to help you.  No one wants to do that. I find it hard to even ask my kids to help out around the house.  I love my dad’s work ethic but the message he taught about self-sacrificing I do not. Unfortunately I grew up in a community that worshiped my father and disrespected my mother so I was not taught to value her in anyway.  When really I needed some of her selfishness.

Being good is my nemesis.  I will work on eliminating these beliefs from my life.  I believe core stories can change, they just take the most work.  Perhaps this is part of my journey in life, my karma, to snuff this belief out of me that I was so susceptible to learn in the first place.

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3 thoughts on “My Core Story

  1. I like that you know how to make it better. And even if it is hard to do you believe it can be changed. I suffer from this as well. Yet I don’t think it is my core story. But maybe I don’t know exactly what a core story is.

    • A core story is the re-occuring thing that you keep telling yourself. It is the one thing that keeps resurfacing over and over again in many things that you do. It is a common element or theme in your life. Some people might have a core story where they are always finding themselves in bad relationships or unable to hold a job. Over and over again these things happen. Why? Because there is a common theme, a message we keep telling ourselves. I am not sure this really explains it. I hope if this is still unclear someone will ask.

      I am glad you asked this because I never explained it in my post. I just jumped in. So thank you.

      • I just read something that I felt was perfect for describing a core story. It came from my mediation challenge that I am doing with Deepak Chopra Center right now. It is by David Simon, Co-founder of the Chopra Center.

        “You have the capacity to change the plotline of your life, even if you have been acting from the same script since before you can remember.”

        Being good in a self-sacrificing kind of way is my plotline, my core story.

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