It was my request to go to Wakaw Beach. I thought it might help my mood to be around water, beach, and feeling the air come off the open water. I have been so emotionally down this week. I remember a coworker returning from vacation and feeling down and lost so this must be normal but it feels like crap.
I do not like my surroundings; Saskatchewan seems depressing to me. Feeling and thinking this way bothers me. I have always loved to look at the flowing wheat and barley in the endless fields as I drove. The golden fields would be interrupted by yellow canola flowers and purple flax – so many colours. I have always loved Saskatchewan’s beauty. I thought that enjoying a prairie lake would revive the Saskatchewan heart that beats in me. Instead I find myself crying. I needed water and sun but this beach is not the same as ocean water and the red earth of PEI. There are even sail boats on the water but none of it matters.
I cry and Craig giggles at me that I am so emotional about it. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me but he does. It is a little crazy I suppose but I really miss my vacation and the feelings it gave me.
I wonder if God is playing some sort of joke on me. I have been suffering all week for sun, beach and ocean breeze only to go to a lake and see sailboats and hear kids screaming about ‘waves’. The ripples from a moving boat on a still lake has no comparison to the smell or feeling that an ocean wave offers. There are so many similarities yet differences that I am struggling to hang on to what little happiness and substance I have.
To make matters worse, Teela will return to daycare soon and Craig’s pressure for me to work will increase tenfold. After this weekend is over I have to look for work. I can’t go back to my previous life of working all day and being exhausted in the evenings, trying to live my life in those few hours before bed. I can’t do it. Craig is going to make me. His stress and pressure is going to be more than I can withstand.