I bought a new note book for my writing last night. Now that I sit and face the empty page with pen in hand I feel anxious. I feel as though it is an old love standing before me, presenting himself in such a way that I know the next steps are for us to bare our souls to each other and I am nervous. It is been such a long time since we express ourselves that way to each other. What if I’m different than before? What if I’m no longer very good at it? Despite my feelings I take a step forward. Standing chest to chest, my love reaches out its hand and I clasp it. Here we go.
Once, just after Craig and I were married, he left me for six and a half weeks for Euruope. I think it was Italy. It was for work. If he was gone for seven weeks his employer would pay for me to go with him. Alas, we were just a few days short of that opportunity. When he came home I made strange. All he wanted to do was be close to me while I tried to ensure he was still the same man and I was still the same woman. This is how I feel with my writing. I gotta test the waters a bit. Craig was patient and kind. He was gentle and soft yet left a lot of hints that he was ready whenever I was. Finally I just had to jump in.
Returning to the pen and paper feels much like that first time Craig and I were together after being apart for almost two months. It is a bit like falling in love all over again. I must work on not wavering and getting distracted.
Recently I suffered from a sore back that came out of no where. I was up most of the night taking drugs (ibuprofen) and distracting myself by watching Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man 2. Then I heard the voice in my head tell me that I wasn’t tending to my back. Distracting myself from the pain prohibited me from realizing if it needed anything. Perhaps it needed to shift positions, or to get up and walk around, or maybe it needed an ice pack.
I turned off the laptop and laid there imagining breathing in good and bringing the good air right to that sore spot on my lower back. Then I would breathe out the pain. I learned this type of meditation from Pema Chodron in her book “Start Where You Are”. I ended up falling asleep for three hours. So thank you Pema.
When I start to feel afraid of the pen and paper and the need to run away sweeps over me I will sit. I will soothe it like a lover caressing my hair and back. I will bare my soul and fall in love all over again. I hope it will whisper sweet nothings in my ear.