I am heading to my in-laws cabin today. It is in the middle of no-where so I will not be able to post my regular Sunlight post on Sunday so I thought I would do it now. Plus, it seems a little depressing for a Sunday post.
Here I am at the age of thirty-four and I am the living dead. I am in the bathroom. I am not sure how long I have been on the toilet or how many times I have wiped myself. I seem to keep slowly coming to the realization that I am done peeing and I reach for the toilet paper only to feel like I have done this already, and then I drift off again. How many times have I done this? I don’t search for an answer. I get up, flush and move on with my day; to lay on the floor in the living room.
I followed the path laid out to me. The path that others were on. The path that society told me to follow: I went to school; I got an education; I found a job; I got married; I bought a house; I had a baby; Then why did all of these perfect steps lead me to the carpet, struggling for each breath and feeling lost and without purpose?
I have been telling my husband when we go to bed at night that I am not sure why I am alive. I am so sad that I can not move during the day. I feel guilt for laying here but I can not get up and do anything meaningful.
“I don’t like you talking that way,” he would reply. It sounds like he is scolding me for feeling this way. His tone is sharp. He mentions to me that I should see someone, a counsellor or therapist. His work will cover the cost.
He comes home one day and tells me quietly, when Teela and I are in the sunporch finishing supper, “There are a lot of people here that need you and love you.”
I know he is talking about him and the girls but all I can think is that living for them is not enough. I have been living for them for so long and I don’t want to anymore. It is exhausting and draining me to my core.
It isn’t that I don’t love them. I do. I really do. But I have nothing more to give them. I can not cook supper for them. I can not pay attention to the words they say to me and the questions they ask of me. All I am is a shadow. If I give them much more of myself I will disappear. I don’t care about anything except for an answer as to why I am forced to get up and live this hell every day.
I have interviewed a half dozen people for my Scheme of Things research. There is seems to be one common element that I see so far – parental support. Now, I do not know yet if the careers these people choose are their life purpose. Maybe talking to me is their life purpose. I do know that with their parents unconditional support, no matter how crazy the idea was, if the parents supported it and the child was truly passionate about it then it was always a win-win for everyone.
One lady talks of her ‘privileged degree’. This was when her parents paid for her to attain a music degree. While taking this music degree she was introduced to the concept of music therapy. She ended up not wanting to be so focused solely on music in her career and studied therapy in a more broad sense.
Who knows what is around the bend in the trail.
Our careers our life purpose? Caroline Myss, author of Sacred Contracts, says we have 12 archetypes. Perhaps all of those archetypes need to be filled. Maybe we have many purposes. I do not know. I do wish to find out.
My one advice do far in my research is to follow your child. See where they intuitively know where to go. It might seem crazy. It might even mean you will be snickered at by the occasional hoity-toity but persevere. Your child knows their direction. They may dance a little, waver from one thing to another, but it will all pieced together.
Picture compliments of Sherese Luneng
Before I post my intended post I wanted to share some photos and a video of some of the weather we have been having here lately.
A week ago we were under a tornado watch that turned into a tornado warning really fast. They were forming and unforming quickly all around us. None touched the ground where we live but this one was awfully close to my house. This is my back yard.
Tuesday, June 26th we had an ‘extreme thunderstorm warning’ and a tornado watch. After the last tornado watch we became a little more concerned. The picture does’t do the approaching storm justice. The energy from the sky was magnificent. Everyone was staring at the sky. Even my dog was barking at the clouds.
I drove by this grain bin on my way for tea at a neighbours house, only to realize we could not make tea because we had no power due to being in the middle of a wind warning. Winds were gusting over 100 kms an hour. I drove by this grain bin and thought I would take a video of it to share with my friend at tea and now I share it with you.
Pictures and video from my personal album.
My daughter Emily came home from school the other day and plopped herself in the chair opposite me at the dinning room table. Normally she heads straight down stairs so I knew something was on her mind. (Oh, Emily attends school every other day for one period. She is taking some electives. We won’t do that next year.)
She tells me she was chatting with her homeroom teacher during the day. The teacher asked her if she would be caught up if she did decide to return to the public school system next year. Emily said no, cause science and math have not been our focal point and what we study in other subjects is way different than what the system has laid out. The teachers response was, “Oh.” She expresses her frustration in her teacher because they had just been talking about what she had been doing for the year and felt very insulted.
Emily then tells me that there is a quote on a poster in the library where she works on her own thing after her class. She lifts up her hand and I see ink writing all across her palm. She reads it to me.
“Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.”
– David Frost
“Teachers should really take some of the advice that is around them.” she says.
Emily heading down her own path (at the Meewasin trail around the Saskatchewan River).
For me, watching Emily sit in front of me now full of confidence and knowingness, I feel proud. I see that she has come a long way. We both have on this homeschooling journey. Many people have challenged us and given us questioning looks. In the beginning of our adventure in homeschooling we would let them get to us cause we were unsure with what we were doing. I was worried I was messing up her life despite my heart telling me otherwise. Now we both sit here and know. We are good. This is the right path for us and it feels awesome. I love that Em was able to stand tall in this situation and not let her teacher’s opinion get her in a muck.
Well folks, I can’t stress this first point enough. It is is the primary, the core, the everything. You need to be aware of your breath, thoughts and feelings.
When you are at the till and you notice you are starting to get a bit anxious try to be aware of this. Be curious about what your thoughts are and what is causing your breath to change.
Perhaps you are writing something and start to feel upset, shift your writing to the feeling instead of your story. Or finish your story and see if you can find a core belief (s) hidden in that story.
Today I was packing a lunch for my family to head out to our Kinsmen Park. I was rushing around the kitchen worried about what I was going to put into our picnic basket. I wanted our lunch to look good. Then all of a sudden I realized this need to impress and questioned it further as I continued packing. It wasn’t about impressing anyone. It was about not looking desperate or poor. Growing up poor perhaps had an impact on me in terms of food or packing for social events? Time to write and investigate this further, I thought.
You can be doing the most mundane thing like I was, packing a lunch. See, listen and feel but most importantly be aware. You really need to see who you are and what is triggering you to behave in certain ways. Often I notice a change in my breath first.
I was in a workshop and a lady kept talking about other people and herself being incompetent. Finally the facilitator of the group brought to her attention the number of times she used the word ‘incompetent’. It was such an ah-ha moment for her. I am certain she went home and dove into this.
I know we are all busy but take a minute as often as you can during the day to check in and see how you are doing. You will be surprised where stories from the past creep up.