When you start doing things that move you in the right direction on you life-journey, the world tosses you a bone now and then to keep you motivated. It can be hard going sometimes and one needs some encouragement once in a while whether it is from a good friend, business advisor or a bit of cosmic magic.
My husband has control over our finances. Rightfully so because he has such a green thumb with it. He grows it and I harvest it.
It irritates me that I have to ask him for money though. He is fairly generous with it in terms of shuffling it over but still I find it hard to ask someone for money. It is a very humbling experience. I have to force my ego to bow every time.
It hit me a couple of months ago that I have used up half of my RSPs to cope with not asking him for money. I realized that my RSPs are a bandaid, a crutch for me to fall on. I needed to stop escaping from a larger issue and deal with it.
My strategy is to continue to make myself vulnerable and kneel to Craig for money. I have a lesson to learn and I best pay attention. However, I do not intend to bow forever.
In addition to making myself talk to Craig more about money expenses I also started looking for work to bring in money for myself. This proved futile and only lasted a few weeks. I can not go back to the 9-5 world.
So I begin to design a workshop for memoir writing. I have been sitting on this idea for 18 months. I get my act together and design my curriculum and begin marketing it.
Everything falls into place easily. It is reassuring when everything is easy. I received positive attitudes while I was in my local communities and chatting with people. Craig and I are going along pretty smoothly except for me not discovering a lesson.
I have been practicing my new money strategy for two months. I am about to crack and take money out of my RSPs because I need gas money and I am exhausted from all the bowing I have been doing. I need a reprieve. Something tells me to check my account balance before I withdraw from my savings. I do and I am ecstatically surprised! I have an extra two thousand dollars in my account.
Is this a gift from the universe to keep me moving? A little bone or treat to keep me motivated. I feel as though the universe is saying “Good job Marlene. Don’t give up now. Keep moving forward.”
My husband and I are discussing homeschooling. I try never to call it unschooling cause that really stresses him out. He is a very traditional man and the whole concept of unschooling let a lone the word goes against his very being. Today’s conversation is about him wanting me to ensure Emily make goals. Not only does he feel it is a great lesson for people to learn it also will help me keep track of what she is doing.
I agree with the idea of goals but I also feel more credit needs to be given to Emily. She is very ambitious with her art and has many goals for herself. But it isn’t laid out in a grade sheet or a way for my husband logical mind to measure. As usual I find myself getting anxious and pulled into some argument with him. I am getting angry at him because he is so ridged. When he says the word ‘goals’ I feel like cement is being poured on me and I am weighed down. So I take a few deep breaths and turn inwards to investigate what triggered this.
How do you deal with being hooked?
I recall reading something from Pema Chodron regarding being hooked. She refers to it as shenpa in Buddhist philosophy. She says that shenpa can show up in the force behind the words. I realize that is what is happening here. Craig is pulling me into an argument whether he is doing it intentionally or not. Craig says ‘goals’ with a cold and ridged force. I say ‘goals’ like something light and airy, a personal ambition to hold one accountable. More of a force like the wind. It is an energy and it comes from within.
With this realization, all in just taking a moment to reflect, breath and look inwards, I was able to continue talking to him about the subject. Recognizing that we had different shenpa behind our words even though we had a similar definition. It was our intention that differed. I can deal with that. The end result will be productivity despite his wanting a heavy hand on the situation.
I feel as though my ambition to write has lost me. It is 5:30 in the morning. I am finally able to take some time for my craft and I have nothing to say. I am blank. Like too many marbles stuffed in a bag, now I have to wiggle to get even one out.
Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. I wake myself up several times in the night hoping that it will be 5:30, my wake up time. Only it isn’t. It is earlier. I don’t want to be exhausted so I fall back asleep. I wake up so many times that by the time my meditation bowl chime goes off at 5:30 I sleep right through it. I am so desperate for some time to write that I am defeating myself in the process.
Now I sit here with plenty of time after a week or more of struggling to find it and I have nothing to say. I wonder how bloggers find time to blog on a regular basis? A commitment to a schedule I presume. A commitment they don’t let even their family intrude on. My issue is to say “No.” It is such a small word yet the energy it takes to say it seems to be surmountable. I am sucked into my family’s expectations or are they my expectations?
Now that I have written about not being able to write I feel as though I may have wiggled one marble out of the bag. Perhaps other ideas will come easier now. One marble at a time and then the ideas will flow easily. They will pour out freely and uninhibited.